20131207

As Deltron 3030 Said

"Crisis precipitates change."

I couldn't agree more. My JCV risk, as described in my last few posts, is high - a risk with which I can not live much longer. As I mentioned earlier, I've already decided to switch at my next neurologist appointment. I will also go to Tysabri every 56 days for the time being (instead of every 28 days).

That is my crisis and change. Decision already made. Yet I am so scared of having another attack/episode/relapse that I am absolutely terrified of going off of Tysabri. Actually, its not the fear of the relapse as it is diving headfirst into the unknown. If I knew that I'd be having a relapse X amount of time after stopping the Tysabri, It'd be easier to cope. As any MS'er will tell you, that isn't how this disease works.

It is the uncertainty that is the source of my pains now. The fear of the unknown. I realize it isn't healthy to fret over things which I cannot change, but I can't help but perseverate over what could be the future. From what I've read, some people are having such great success on Tecfidera. I hope I am included in that group. I'm not sure what I'll do if Tecfidera doesn't have the similar results. But my JCV load putting me at 1% risk of PML is just too damned high! And I don't even want to get into the PML discussions. That disease scares the living bejeusus out of me. If I come down with PML, if I manage to survive - a big if - I would be forever invalid. At least that's what I understand.

So I'm sitting here approaching a crossroad. I've already decided the patch which I will travel. All I can really do is continue to hope I don't develop PML; once I'm washed out of Tysabri, my PML risk is back to normal. I assume that is when I'll start the new treatment and see how that goes; hopefully well. Fingers crossed!

If only it was that easy. I can't help but constantly think about this upcoming medication change and the continuing of Tysabri (PML risk) until that time of change is over. And the rebound effect of coming off of Tysabri. And what if I become an invalid if I contract PML before the switch? What if the Tecfidera doesn't work as well as I hope? What if...

Eventually this becomes circular logic. Hopefully I've been able to adequately convey my concerns. If I could only express worry in a bar graph, it'd be 11 out-of 10 right now. Through the roof concern over the unknown. Guess I'll have to chalk yet another event in my life to a #FML moment.

One last question for you my dear readers: did you spot the meme references?

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