20150426

The Attack That Changed Me

Ah yes, memories. Of the horrible, nightmarish sort. The kind you want to forget...but you never will.

I'm talking about one of my few episodes of Multiple sclerosis. Its all sort-of fuzzy at this point, as it was certainly not an easy time. I remember having two major episodes before I started a DMT. One of which messed up my vision pretty horribly. I remember trying to go to work, and when I was backing up my nissan pickup, I backed into the wall of the house. Turned my truck off and had my wife drive me to work. I ended up powering through that episode only to have the next one affect me in ways I couldn't fathom. It, my last attack, had changed who I am at the very basic levels of being human. It took from me the ability to make small talk. The basic banter between two people. The kind of talk that doesn't matter, but fills the silent pauses between two people. You don't realize how much small talk squelches those periods of silence until you can't do it anymore. Now my life is filled with awkward silences. I'm getting used to it, but I doubt everyone else has. I like to think I'm fairly adept at hiding my shortcomings. Sort-of tucking them under the rug.

No matter, where was I. Perhaps I was talking about my lack-of-concentration or focus, or I'm not even sure what to call it. I'm starting to feel like a burn-out. I can't hold onto my thoughts anymore. I'll remember I have to get something from the garage and when I walk into the garage I forgot what specific item for which I've gone into the garage. This isn't fun, and I'm getting sick of it. I have yet to find any memory or brain-aid to help with this problem from which I suffer. I don't foresee it getting any better either. This is my new normal. And just like the rest of you, it is ending one day at a time. As long as I don't come down with PML.

But lets end this pity-party on a good note. I'm still up and walking around unassisted. I'm riding my bicycle further and faster than I ever imagined. I'm (at least like to think) still above the mason-dixon line of intelligence. I have two children of which I am still able to care. I have a wife that cares for me and loves me. I am still self-able, for the most part.

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